So You Want To Destroy The Lone Power
by Unhappy Squirrel
Summary: Patience is a virtue...' Artemis finds a Wizards manual, and his Ordeal is not quite normal as if any of them are...CHAPTER TWO IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**So You Want To Destroy The Lone Power**

**(Then take over the world)**

A/N: Parody of Artemis Fowl and Young Wizards. I don't own them

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**Chapter 1**

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Artemis had flown to Ireland and ran as fast as possible up the extremely long driveway, dove into the house, and screamed, "I'm alive!"

Artemis Senior looked out of the kitchen, then let loose a high-pitched scream, before fainting. Angeline was running from the dining room carrying two children. She put the children on the floor and sprinted to her son. Throwing her arms around him, Angeline started sobbing.

The two year-olds walked precariously to their brother, then wrapped their arms around his legs.

Artemis was glad to be home. His parents were happy, slightly shocked, but in good health. He was an older brother. He had a younger sister, and a younger brother. This was what his life should have been like before, but at least it was his now.

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**1 year later**

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Artemis had conformed to his parents and had allowed them to send him to a public school. He had friends for the first time, well, human friends. Holly had come to check on him in the past year, and the twins got used to her. They liked her little gizmos, gadgets, and the fact she was their height. The entire Fowl family, which before used to instill fear in the People underground, had now, become a powerful ally. Things were looking up in the world, for once.

The fairies were planning a routine check of the pollution in the closest rivers, and had asked Artemis to do some research on the pollution checks by humans in the past three years. Recently, they had become filthier than usual.

So that was why Artemis was now going through the Non-fiction section in the school's library. It was his Study-hall hour and he, obviously, was done with his homework. Scanning the books, he found one that might work. It was entitled, _Water Pollution in Ireland_. Pulling it out, he wiped dust from the cover. The copy-write date said, "1984." That wasn't recent enough. He was going to have to get on a computer and find articles to print out.

Artemis was about to put the book back when he found another one, hiding behind it. Thinking that it might be slightly more recent, he pulled it from the shelf, before placing the other one back.

Looking at the cover he thought that this must have been a joke. The cover held deep black letters, spelling out, _So You Want To Be A Wizard._ For humor purposes only, Fowl Junior opened it up and began reading something called "The Wizards Oath." Flipping through the book, he saw the Oath was five pages long. The other pages were completely blank.

On the last page of the Oath, there was a simple summary. It said,

I, _insert name here_, pledge to support Life,

And all that is in it.

I pledge to protect Life,

Even if it means my death,

All Life shall be treated equally.

I will not use this power incorrectly.

I will not lie for lying's sake.

I will not under any circumstances,

Allow death when Life is possible.

I will not submit to the Lone Power's Will.

I will not abuse my Wizardry.

I pledge to serve my life to protect all Life.

The bell rang for next hour, breaking Artemis' concentration. He stuffed the book in his bag, and ran to his locker. Ronan walked up to Artemis, slamming his locker shut the moment he opened it. Ronan was Artemis' best friend. He was in every advanced class with him, and had begun trust exercises to help open Arty up. "Hey, Goddess."

"I thoroughly despise that nickname, you know," Artemis muttered, and opened his locker again. Everything was perfectly tidy and orderly. Pulling up his book bag, he slammed the locker shut, but not before grabbing his excuse for lack of participation in Gym, and the library book. Before Ronan could see the cover, Artemis slipped a book cover on it.

They walked to Ronan's locker and he pulled out an ankle brace, which he slipped on quickly, and began limping to the Boys Locker Room. This was a daily routine for the two of them, and as their teacher began roll call, he skipped over the boys completely. He knew they were there. Ronan and Artemis never missed Gym, although they never participated.

They walked out of the locker room to the indoor pool. Most kids had already jumped in and were swimming laps, but one waited. He raised his hand. "How cold is this water?"

"Warm enough. Now get in!" Mr. O'Donelly, the Gym teacher, shouted.

"I beg to differ, sir," the boy called again.

"And why, dare I ask?"

"The temperature of a normal lap pool is supposed to be 85 degrees Fahrenheit. This pool is 78 degrees Fahrenheit."

"TOO BAD! NOW GET IN BEFORE I PUSH YOU IN!" O'Donelly shouted.

The boy, slightly scared, slipped, and with a splash fell in the water. "Ack! Too much chlorine!"

"This," Artemis muttered, "is why I don't trust school pools."

Ronan laughed and leaned back against the bleachers, planning to sleep. Artemis pulled out the _So You Want To Be A Wizard_ book. He began reading the entire Wizard's Oath.

Pausing every now and then to check the time, he finished it in ten minutes flat. As Ronan began snoring, he looked at the shorter summary.

"I, Artemis, pledge to support Life, And all that is in it. I pledge to protect Life, Even if it means my death, All Life shall be treated equally. I will not use this power incorrectly. I will not lie for lying's sake. I will not under any circumstances, Allow death when Life is possible. I will not submit to the Lone Power's Will. I will not abuse my Wizardry. I pledge to serve my life to protect all Life."

Nothing happened for a moment, then a small message appeared. _When it says name, it means middle and last, too._

"Shut up," Artemis muttered. Who knew a book could have an attitude? He repeated the Oath using his first, middle, and last name. If the book had eyes, they would be rolling.

_Congratulations, I wonder if you're going to die on your Ordeal. This will be fun to watch. You seem pathetic._

"HEY DON'T GET COCKY WITH ME!" Artemis jumped up and shouted at the book. Everyone stopped and watched as the genius boy coughed and sat down.

_Fine, fine. Calm down, Drama Queen. I am now your Wizard's Manual. Welcome to hell._

"I am about to chuck you into the pool, so lose the attitude," the teen whispered harshly.

_Sorry, can't. It comes with the extra info. Be glad I'm not a laptop, though. Those things can walk and talk. Their attitudes are bigger than mine._

"Fine, fine, whatever."

At that moment, Ronan snorted and woke up with a start. Five minutes later, O'Donelly blew the whistle for everyone out of the water. Slamming the book shut, Artemis and Ronan walked back to the locker room.

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A/N: I had to do a story like this. The plot seemed too funny.


	2. Patience is a Virtue

**Chapter 2**

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A/N: More humor to come, more fun to write, yes, it is Ronan from YW, and I don't own JIF either, and HERE IT IS!!!

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Holly was sitting on a large cushy couch, in the Fowl Manor when Artemis along with his little siblings walked in through the front door. Artemis had gone to get them after the four o'clock bell rang.

Ronan had followed him home, as always. Holly yawned and scooted further into the cushiony haven. Coming up to her, Ronan muttered, "Hi," and sat next to her.

Holly shuddered, crawling to the other side of the couch. Their last meeting hadn't gone very well. Ronan had gone storming out of the manor after Holly beat him in an argument. They hadn't spoken much since.

Artemis shuffled past the pair on the couch and into the large kitchen where Julia and Alex romped after him, begging to be made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Capitulating, he pulled out the Wonder Bread, Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and Smucker's Jelly.

Julia played with her ponytail crying, "No, I want the JIF kind. Peter Pan gives you salmonella!"

Artemis stopped when he finished searching for a knife. Straightening up, he held the sharp object in his hand, blade pointing upward. Julia's face froze, turning her complaint to terror. "Now how did you find out about the salmonella?" he said.

She made face. "I'm not stupid, stupid!"

Artemis rolled his eyes and turned back, but not before muttering, "Brat." He threw the peanut butter into the trashcan before reaching into the cabinet to pull out the JIF peanut butter. Oh, how he hated JIF, and their evil "Choosy mothers choose JIF," slogan. Angeline was choosy, and she got Peter Pan. To him, it didn't make sense. How would they know what choosy mother picked? It just wasn't right...

He was snapped out of his inwardly rant when a cry of, "OW! GET OFF ME MUDBOY!" erupted from the other room.

"Alex!" Artemis cried thinking it was his little brother. He stormed into the living room, holding two sandwiches, with Julia trailing behind, attempting to reach her food.

It wasn't Alex sitting on Holly, it was Ronan. _What has this world become,_ Artemis thought, ready to smack his head when he realized food was occupying his palms.

"GET OFF ME!" The elf's voice was slightly muffled from Ronan's large butt. She began poking him in the side and every so often, he would jump.

"Not until you apologize," he said.

"That is the last time I leave you two in a room anywhere close to each other," Artemis muttered, setting down the Peanut butter sandwiches. Julia raced over to her plate and Alex jumped over the back of the couch.

"Yeah, yeah," came the muffled voice, "just get this thing off me!"

Ronan shifted his posterior to better cover Holly's mouth and nose.

"Don't you dare fart!" she cried.

About that time, the door opened with Artemis' mother and father standing at the threshold, staring in utter shock and horror at the scene before them.

A little fairy leg stuck out from underneath Ronan, who was lounging almost comfortably on the couch. Julia and Alex had their mouths full to the max with sandwiches, and Artemis stood in the middle of it, pinching his nose muttering, "Patience is a virtue."

"Umm," Angeline said.

"-okay..." Artemis Senior finished.

"Hewo, mpmmy pnd dpddy!" Julia said bits of food flying from her mouth.

"What's for dinner?" At least Alex had swallowed.

"Not for a while, honey," Angeline said, as Artemis Senior went to help pull Ronan off Holly.

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After dinner, Ronan hitchhiked back home, Holly took a pod, and the twins were asleep. Finally, Artemis had time to sit his butt down and get some reading done. As he read through, most of the information amazed him.

He thought he was smart. The information he had come to believe in, was poo on the bottom of his very expensive shoes. The Powers That Be must have been super genius overlords of all things knowledge. No wonder wizards were a secret. People wanted to fix what couldn't be fixed. As he read, he began understanding the price of an impossible wizardry. Not just the wizard would die, but many would from the failed attempt. The last time that had happened was on a small planet called Anakarua, and 30,000 humanoids died. Unfortunately, that wasn't the largest failed wizardry killing.

The statistics were horrifying, numbers after numbers came up, each more horrendous. It was becoming almost unbearable to continue, yet Artemis did. Finally, the mortality data ended to be replaced by a chapter on Spatiotemporal Claudications. It was more confusing than the boy had thought.

It was only twisting space and time for a temporarily. He didn't realize that every pronunciation had to be exactly right, or you could ask the universe to implode, or explode depending on which word you mispronounced.

Artemis closed the book, shutting his eyes. He couldn't sleep, yet he needed to. His class was going on a field trip to the National History Museum tomorrow, and he knew it was going to be yet another redundant day. He knew it was going to be yet another redundant day.

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A/N: Coming up next, Arty's Ordeal...think how bad this will end, I'm really sorry for the late update, this computer hates me...it almost deleted half my files...

Oh, and as for that 'patience is a virtue' part, my friend's science class reduced her teacher to doing that.


End file.
